Why Didn’t That New Family Come Back?

Have you ever wondered, “Where’s that new family that came to our church last week? Why didn’t they come back? We’ve been praying for God to send us new families, and he does, but they never stay!”

If you’ve ever found yourself asking these questions, I’d like to invite you to step in my shoes for a moment and see what it’s like for a first-time mom to visit a new church with a toddler in tow. I hope that you will find some practical applications from my story and that you will be inspired to find ways to make your church more friendly for first-time visitors, especially young families.

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Every once in a while, I think that it’s important for Christians to leave the comforts of their home church and visit a new one. Visiting a church that you’ve never been to before will help you to develop an appreciation for what it’s like to be the newcomer. At the new church, you will begin to discover things that make you feel uncomfortable, lost or confused as well as things that make you feel comfortable, welcome, and loved. Taking time to reflect on your findings will help you to develop a strategy for making your church environment hospitable for visitors, increasing the likelihood that they will return again next Sunday.

This weekend our family visited a new church. We arrived late, as newcomers often do, though only by five minutes or so. Upon our arrival, the parking lot was nearly full and we had to find a place to park out on the street. As we walked through the parking lot, we noticed several unmarked doors and we paused, wondering for a moment which door we should choose. There wasn’t anyone around that we could ask, so we chose the door closest to us and hoped that we wouldn’t be walking directly into the middle of the sanctuary or into the pastor’s personal study!

Fortunately, the door we selected opened up into a hallway. The first thing that greeted us when we opened the door was unfortunately not a person, but an odor. The entire church smelled very strongly of synthetic air freshener. It was almost overpowering. As we walked down the hallway, we spied a room on our left which appeared to be a children’s room, so we parked a few of our toddler’s belongings there and made our way down the hall to the sanctuary.

Quietly, we opened the sanctuary doors and sneaked into the back of the church while the small congregation sat and sang. A few people looked our way, but there were no friendly smiles or head nods to acknowledge our existence or the fact that we were new to the church. Except for one older woman, who turned out to be the pastor’s wife. She actually got out of her chair and, using her walker, she came over to us and welcomed us warmly. This both blessed us and impressed us, as we considered her physical limitations and the effort that it took her to maneuver the aisles.

Feeling a little more comfortable, we made our way down to an open pew. As the congregation worshiped, I bounced and wiggled our fifteen month old daughter in an effort to contain her unlimited energy and satisfy her short attention span. She especially liked being lifted into the air as the congregation sang “He lives! He lives! Christ Jesus lives today!” and was relatively quiet and agreeable.

After worship, the children were dismissed and began to walk down the aisle toward the back of the church. My husband and I looked at each other, not sure what to do. There weren’t any other babies in the church, and we hadn’t seen a nursery, so where do the babies go? We looked around, hoping someone would tell us, but no one said anything. So we got up and followed the elementary and middle school aged children out of the room, hoping we would find some clarity elsewhere.

In the hall, we found a cheerful woman who turned out to be the Sunday School teacher and we asked her what we should do with our toddler. She said that when her children were small, she kept them with her during the service. But, she said, there was also a room adjacent to the Sunday School room where we could stay if she got loud. As we surveyed “Training Room,” we marveled at how unfriendly it was for kids. Dark, drab and lined with pews, there wasn’t anything available for small children to play with except for a few breakable items on a low table. Perplexed, we turned around and awkwardly made our way back into the sanctuary.

As before, the pew again proved to be too small to contain our daughter’s enthusiasm for life and love for exploration. As I struggled for five minutes or so to keep her babbling at an acceptable level and her body in one location, I decided that it was probably time to leave. When he noticed that I was packing my bag, the pastor kindly assured me from the pulpit that children were welcome. I appreciated the reassurance, but I knew that sooner or later things were going to get ugly because I knew that toddlers don’t like to be confined to small spaces. Like a wild gazelle, a toddler needs to run free.

I made my way out of the sanctuary and into the Training Room where I planned to park my belongings so that my daughter and I could go outside to play. A friendly voice caught my attention and I looked toward the doorway where I saw the same older woman who had welcomed us so warmly when we had arrived. She was very kind and told me that I was in the right place, “the Cry Room.” She offered to watch my daughter for me and told me that she could bring out some toys for her to play with. I appreciated her offer, told her I would stay with her. Our daughter had woken up in the middle of the night last night crying and woke up early this morning, so I didn’t want to leave the poor lady with overtired and cranky toddler.

We decided to go outside and run around, which proved to be a lot of fun. When the service was over, we went back inside. The congregation was friendly, but most didn’t engage too deeply in conversation. A few came up to reassure me that little children are always welcome and that they enjoyed hearing my daughter “make a joyful noise to the Lord,” which I appreciated. After a short while, the small congregation headed out and we parted ways.

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I hope that you’ve been able to glean some insight into what it’s like to be a visitor with a young child at your church. Now I’d like to share seven specific ways that you can make your church more hospitable for the first-time guests that God is bringing to your church.

Have Ample Parking

It’s important to be thinking about your guests before they even make it into the church building. If your guests can’t find a place to park, how can you expect them to stay? Maybe, since they’ve gotten all dressed in their Sunday best, then they’ll just go out to brunch instead!

A lot of small churches have small parking lots and not everyone can afford to make their parking lot bigger. So what can you do if there’s not enough room? You can encourage your faithful parishioners to carpool together or you can work out a deal with a neighboring business to utilize their parking lot during Sunday service. If all else fails, maybe it’s time to plant a new church or expand from one service to two.

Have Too Many Signs

Seriously, label everything. Label your outside doors, your inside doors, and your handicap parking. Give directions to rooms that are difficult to find. People want and need to know where to go and they don’t want to have to ask someone. Especially if it’s the bathroom that they’re looking for.

Got a time for fellowship afterward? Label the food! People with allergies want to know if the pasta is gluten-free or if the cookies have nuts in them. They’ll be much more likely to stick around if they know they can eat the food.

Have Friendly Greeters

Signs are great, but people are even better. Put your teens to work. Teach them to hold the church doors open and to greet people with a smile. Start 15 minutes before the service and have them stay there until at least 15 minutes afterward. Remember, newcomers are usually late!

In addition to designated greeters, create a culture of greeting. Teach the congregation to be on the lookout for new faces and help them understand the importance of making new people feel welcome, comfortable and loved. A friendly smile and some personal conversation go a long way in making your guests feel like part of the family.

Have Clear Directions for Newcomers

As I’m sure you noticed from my story, new people don’t have a clue what’s going on when they first come to your church! Where should we sit? Where do we go if we have a small child that starts crying? Where do we take our toddler during the service? Are we responsible for watching them or will a volunteer be supervising the nursery?

Clear directions should be provided for visitors, both formally from the pulpit and informally from members of the congregation. If you’re a pastor, don’t just dismiss the children. Announce what services are provided for children and where they will be. Have people handy to guide newcomers in the right direction. If you’re a member of the congregation and you spy a new person walking in or sitting nearby, be intentional and welcome them. Then, do a quick assessments of their potential needs. Do they have children? Do they have a handicap? What might they need to know about? Address their needs and offer to show they where they should go. This will go a long way in helping new folk feel comfortable, welcome, and loved.

Have a Welcoming Environment

Does your church need to be up-to-date with the latest furniture styles and design trends in order to be welcoming? Thankfully, it doesn’t so you can keep that ancient wood paneling! But it does need to be well-lit, well-maintained, pleasant-smelling and clean. Visitors aren’t going to be inclined to stay if the sanctuary is smelly, the paint is peeling, the trash is overflowing, or the bathroom is so dark that you can’t find the toilet paper!

Sometimes we get used to the mess, so take some time to walk through your church. Try to see it with new eyes. What needs to be cleaned? Where are there lights out? Does the sanctuary need a fresh coat of paint? Are there any strange odors lingering in the air? Pretend to be a visitor in your own church and be on the look out for things that contribute to an unwelcoming environment.

Have Handicap-Accessible Amenities

One thing that I didn’t mention is that the church we visited was not handicap-accessible. There was an older woman visiting the church and she had to navigate the stairs with her walker in order to enter and exit the church.

While she was able to get in and out of the building with assistance from a gentleman at the church, I could tell it was difficult and uncomfortable for her. That’s why it’s important for churches to at least have a ramp and a handicap-accessible bathroom to accommodate people with physical disabilities.

Have A Space for Small Children

If your church doesn’t have any babies in the congregation, you might not feel like you need a nursery. But trust me, if you want to keep the young families that visit your church, you do. It doesn’t have to be fancy, but it does have to be functional. Set aside a room where infants and toddlers can safely eat, play, sleep and have their diapers changed.

Even though babies and toddlers might be welcome during the service, they really need a place all their own. It’s for their own well-being and for their parents’ sanity. Give parents a chance to worship and hear the word of God by having a regular volunteer staff for the nursery or a having qualified caregiver on-call for when unexpected babies arrive.

Have A Coffee Hour

Sure, it’s a little extra work to arrange some snacks and coffee for after church, but if you’re looking to keep the newcomers God gives you, it’s worth it. Why a coffee hour? Because it keeps people in the church longer so that you can get to know them! It’s hard to get to develop relationships with new people when everyone is focused on heading off to lunch. Having snacks handy gives people a reason to linger and a chance to connect.

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Your Thoughts?

So there’s my two cents. Or maybe seven cents.

Now what do you think? What have you found to be attractive when visiting a church? What makes you feel uncomfortable, lost or confused? How can we make our churches more hospitable to new families?